so apparently some guy goes around golf tournaments and shouts “mashed potatoes” after they tee off
I CANTG BR EATHE
found this gem in the 1996 Cornell Women’s Handbook. it’s what to say when a guy tries to get out of using a condom
condoms are important yo
The more I watch this show, the more I realize I’m probably going to be Phil Dunphy in about ten years
And they were in Friends:
And the Teletubbies:
And Star Trek:
And “That 1670’s Show”
Because this was the greatest part of my childhood.
ZEE ASKS NON-AMERICANS TO FILL OUT A MAP OF THE USA ON THE 4TH OF JULY (part 1)
i love how everybody knows where texas is
*snort* I want to be apologized to in the form of poutine.
oh my god
I love how Ohio started out in Iowa and slowly migrated westward until we grew into Montana.
meanwhile actual Ohio somehow passes for New York
The Canadian that called California ‘Alberta’ is doing that on purpose!
However, you Non-Americans are okay—we Americans can’t even name all 50 states outside of grade school when we have to learn it. Then as adults we forget all the states that arn’t border states to us or have significant events or places going on in them.
I’m most amused at everybody thinking Obama lives in the Pacific Northwest. The state of Washington was named so because it was one of the last territories we took from England (It was going to be a part of Canada) and to stick it to England’s face, we branded the state “WASHINGTON” to remind England about the Revolutionary War.
'Washington D.C.' is technically 'District of Colombia' which is a mini city-state capital of the entire country. Yeah, confusing, I know!
Remember that despair is never the solution. Remember, hatred is never an option. Remember that hope is not a gift given to us, hope is a gift that we give to others.
i am not the story
you have been told.
i am not pure
i am not your fantasy
of an innocent you can corrupt.
you think he took me?
you think i knew not what i did
when i laughed and placed those crimson seeds
upon my tongue?
do not mistake my kindness
i am forest fires and flower buds
i am poisonous thorns and newborn foals
i am death and rebirth—
cross me at your peril.
(you shall find that pretty rose vines
are just as lovely when they wrap tight over your limbs
and shatter your bones.)
my lord, he brings me bloodstained flowers,
and i give him kisses laced with venom
he gifts me graveyards to plant my roses
and i send him the torn heads of men
who try to wrong my maidens.
(i teach them combat alongside botany. both are arts.)
he rules with his iron fist and i
with my gentle touch.
we live and love in a curious harmony
of sweet birdsong
and the tortured screams of sinners.
come springtide i am bound to earth,
to my mother’s sunfilled meadows,
her unequivocal, enduring love.
and by the fading light of summer
i return to my lover’s onyx walls
and cimmerian heart.
i cherish both but they know
they would have no claim on me if i did not desire it
for i belong to myself,
i am only my own—
half flowering creation,
half blistering hellfire.
he calls me his lady
but he knows
i am the queen.